Two things women love are babies and sex. It’s built into their genetic codes, something not every man understands: there is not a woman alive who doesn’t want to have lots of sex with just about anybody, even if she says “no thanks” when you put the moves on her, and likewise there is not a woman alive who would not immediately recognize the mistake of having a pregnancy terminated, even if the pregnancy endangered her health or was the product of what silly liberals call rape — you know, the stuff that happens after that dumb cow says “no thanks” and you put your penis inside her anyway. And it’s really great that there are laws being created that address these immutable truths! Women are just so in denial, so blind to their own wants and desires. It’s a good idea to come up with legislature that prevents women from doing what they think they want, and forces them to do what you know they want.

Here’s a situation that I’ve never, ever heard of: you’re in a frat house and an acquaintance asks if you’d like to leave your parka in his room, before locking the door behind you and taking off his pants; I’ve also never heard of anyone going to a bar and having three sips of a vodka soda before passing out cold under a stool because the creepy guy who works at the gas station dropped sedatives in her drink. I have never known anyone who’s said “Don’t do this,” and had it happen anyway, leaving them with bruises and consequences and misplaced guilt and nightmares. And if those things happened, which they never have and never will, well, there’s an obvious solution: women should be denied the rights to do the things that men do like drinking, attending parties, going to bars, being alone in a room with someone they don’t know well or do know well and shouldn’t trust (use your famous intuition, ladies, or just call a psychic for crying out loud! Why isn’t your psychic on speed dial? That’s irresponsible right there). Women would be stupid to put their faith in the legal system to protect their human rights; I mean, are they even human? The clever new HR 3 Act knows what’s in their best interest: just shut up and let the magic happen. Just try to enjoy it, this sex with someone you don’t think you want to have sex with. If you’re really lucky, you could end up with a beautiful-smelling baby that’s half you and half that creep from the gas station, a living token to remind you of all the fun you had that night!

Think of how inconsequential your career is, your education, your happiness, next to nine pounds of new human! Although you might not have health care, may in fact become bankrupt due to the cost of getting prenatal check-ups and delivering your child in a hospital, you have a responsibility, as a woman, to always subvert your own needs and practical concerns for someone else’s. Even if the decision to become pregnant wasn’t yours to make, you have to accept the fact that your gender means that your role on planet earth is to be taken advantage of and deserted by the government. Being pregnant is a wonderful thing, I know all about it from movies: you feel wonderful, you “glow,” you can continue to work until you are culturally obliged to give all of that silliness up for full-time caretaking of the weed planted inside of you by your sleazy uncle or the boyfriend who beat you senseless before you broke up and changed your phone number — I write that as if it’s a reality, but of course it isn’t! Those scenarios are just the kind of dumb thing thought up by crazy liberals who love to go on baby-murdering sprees, right? 

And look, girls: if you really have to, you can perform your own abortions at home by drinking poison or tossing yourself down the stairs. Let’s be honest here, that’s what you deserve for going with your friends to the mall and getting abducted by a criminal for six hours. How was it that you couldn’t see the danger inherent in that scenario? All of those men wandering around, sniffing at the lustful emissions coming out of your vagina, and you didn’t think one of them would give you what you’d been asking for? How did we remain naive for so long to the fact that the word “no” only means anything if it comes out of a man’s mouth? Women just don’t have a clue. I’m really glad that we’re here to inform them of how beautiful life can be.